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[22 May 2004|02:29pm] |
Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away
(March 1998, Tennessee) A teenage Knoxville boy read in an adult magazine that you could hook a cow heart up to a battery and create an organic sex toy. Thinking to improve on the original model, he hooked it up to the household current, electrocuting himself and setting fire to his house.
Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," je swung at his own head and chopped it off.
"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
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| combat wonded veteren |
[22 May 2004|02:22pm] |
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other then to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.
We x-rayed the patients scrotum to locate the staples; admitting him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, a broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.
The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.
Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less then a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me.
An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work.
I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.
By Dr. William A. Morton, Jr. MD, a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania
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[10 Apr 2004|11:41pm] |
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There stood the famous Naked Man, Rick Huenke
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[10 Apr 2004|11:22pm] |
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The Kinks - Victoria |
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5 years have now passed since they have arrived in Mexico. Joe and Rumplestikin have an adopted a Philippine love child name shit. One day as little shit was browsing on the Internet. He was very shocked as he discovered a picture of daddy one. He rushed into his father, Joe, to ask him of the photos. Joe sat him down that explained that it was when daddy #1 was yonder and little drunk and someone just happened to take a picture when I was tearing my asshole open. "Wait what the hell are you talking about that’s not the picture" "Oh, well then a couple of years ago daddy worked at a old age home. One night daddy got really drunk and had took a bunch of pictures old gay men while commencing in sodemistic activities, while whacking off.” “Holy Fuck, dad what the hell are you talking about, that’s not the picture I’m talking about.” Replied shit flabbergasted. “Fine I fucked a cow pie is that what you wanted to hear why don’t you tell that to your little league coach, fuck.” Stated Joe. “Dad one the picture was just of you wining a medal, jesus fuck ass shit cock cunt what the hell is wrong with you.” Said shit still stunned. “Wash that filthy mouth of your son, now go up to your room so daddy can smoke his crack in peace, and you think about what you’ve done.” Replied Joe with great force. From that day on shit never looked at daddy one the same way, but finally why they would always get Christmas cards from cedar manner old age home.
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[10 Apr 2004|10:55pm] |
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Modest Mouse -Float on |
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On a sultry September afternoon gay d was walking down the streets of Galloway, when Tim Buckley passed by him. Tim commented to gay d that he had a very nice ass. “Why thank you responded,” gay d delightedly “may I suck on your penis kind sir,” Tim then removed his pants exposing his microscopic member. At that same moment as this was going on jimmy and matt happened to walking down the adjacent street, “You see that’s why they should ban gay marriage,” declared matt. “Shut up you close-minded faggot,” replied jimmy. “I’m not a fag you donkey rapping shit eater.” Matt screamed. “That’s it you ass pirate, you die now.” Shrieked jimmy as four blood vessels burst in his neck. He then pulled a small hammer and began to bludgeon matt in skull with it. Matt then in turn gnawed off jimmy nose in a penguinesq fashion and force-fed it to jimmy. Jimmy then pulled out his cell phone and summoned upon his commie comrades. In no less than two seconds Ho Chi Min in all his glory stood before matt ready to tear some assholes wide open. Ho pulled out a long sword and began swinging it everywhere intending to strike fear into Matt’s black heart. Just when Ho drew closer matt pulled out a magnum 44 and started loading rounds of hot lead in to Charlie’s flesh. Then he turned to Jimmy “ I know what your thinking punk, your thinking did he fire six shots or only five. Well to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all the excitement, but being this is a 44 magnum the most powerful handgun in the world and will blow your head clear off. You got to ask your self a question do I feel luck. Well do you punk.” Matt the pulled the trigger and all were heard was two clicks. Jimmy realized that this was his chance so he pulled out a taco and punctured matt’s stomach with the taco. He then pulled out his small intestines and began to choke him to death with his own intestines. Right as jimmy was about a suck out matt’s last dying breath a large comet came down and killed them both. Then Dustin hoagie smacked George bush in the face.
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| Rumpelstiltskin |
[18 Mar 2004|10:08pm] |
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" Perhaps your name is Rumpelstiltskin?"The devil has told you that! The devil has told you that!" cried the little man, and in his anger he plunged his right foot so deep into the earth that his whole leg went in, and then in rage he pulled at his left leg so hard with both hands that he tore himself in two.
Most people believe that this is where the story of Rumpelstiltskin ends but oh how are they sadly mistaken. You see that fabricated story of hogwash is just a lie set up by the mass media to try get you to forget the horrors he brought upon our small world, but I assure you Rumpelstiltskin is not dead. You see Rumpelstiltskin after eating the queen daughter with a side of tacos, which he latter described as the most excwisite meal he has ever eaten, he was sentenced to life in prison. Rumpelstiltskin finally gave up after countless appeals even though the queen and him did make a contact but it ended up just becoming her word, the beautiful queen, against his, a hairy midget who has the tendacy to eat babies and tuck his member behind his legs while dressing up in a richord Nixon mask. It has been reported that Rumpelstiltskin has escaped from his captivity but killing his guard. What he did to that poor souls is so graphic so horrifying that I dare not say, but im going to. He bit the first mans right knee cap off then and put out a spork and ripped out the man entrails that he in turn played jump rope with laughing singing the marry had a steamboat song. He then pulled out his eyes a tooth pick as they were free samples. He then inserted his penis into the guards eye sockets and commenced to skull fucking the guard to death.. Now that Rumpelstiltskin was a free man he fled to Mexico. In Mexico he met a blind man named Joe Kehoe who offered to let him stay with him just as long as he gave him road head on long drive.
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[09 Mar 2004|03:21pm] |
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BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME
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| THE WALRUS CRONICALS - Episode 6 Martha Stewarts Bitch |
[08 Mar 2004|01:35pm] |
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After the fearless foursome had arrived in Mexico they found them selves in a state of quandary, what were they to do with their new lives. As all four of them were deep in thought they almost didn’t notice the Mexican native dressed up as a pirate riding a pink bicycle on the road ahead. Dustin tried to slam on the breaks, but due to the fact that he just shot heroin into his eyes his reaction time was impaired, all that was heard was the bones splintering and the cries in Spanish. “Holy shit,” screamed Gary in the backseat. “You made me spill my coffee, cock.” “What the hell are we gonna do with the body.”asked jimmy. “We have to chop it up then eat it, it’s the only way” replied Paul. Just then the Mexican sat up and explained that he was alright, he was just missing his right arm and left theistical.
The Mexican explained that he was just on his way back from his work at the local Erection Inspection male strip club down the street, hence the pirate striper outfit. “Does this mean we cant eat him;” said Paul in extreme disappointment. The Mexican explained that his name was Jonathan and that they could stay at his house if they wanted.. As they drove to Jonathan house Gary said, “thanks for fucking up our car douche.” trying to change the radio station on his cardboard stereo. “You hit and made me lose my arm and ball and im letting you stay at my house, and you stole the car...” Jonathan was interrupted by Gary.”Boo hoo, why don’t you stop fingerings your pussy, pussy and step on the gas, pussy.” The little voice went off inside Jonathan’s head, that most thought was lost, said “ Jonathan are you a Mexican or a Mexican’t.” “ Im a MexiCAN” screamed Jonathan screamed and stuck a ice pick into Gary’s neck and ripped his head clear off of his body. Then much to everyone’s surprise Gary’s recently decapitated head yelled “Is that all you got pussy. Why don’t you just pull down your pants and show the world your pussy, pussy.” To this day no one is quite sure exactly how Gary’s head was able to survive, but I bealive that extensive penis puppets couldn’t have hurt.
The car was silent for a while until Jonathan initiated a conversation that if edible panties are made by fruit rollups. As the car pulled up to Jonathan’s humble abode everyone was shocked as they were greeted by joe. When everyone filed out of the car, Jimmy carrying Gary’s severed head in his McDonalds take out bag, they was shocked for a second time when joe lifted up his glasses and they noticed Joe’s eyes, for they were not there. Joe had explained that because of all the money shots that he was given by the police force, they had called back up six times, his eyes just disenigrated.
So tuned for the next installment of dun dun dunnna THE WALRUS CRONICALS
Heroin it’s not as harmful as we all thought
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| The walrus cronicals -Episode 5 return of the walrus |
[29 Feb 2004|06:24pm] |
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As the cop car fled from the scene it was fallowed by a crimson trail mixed in with clumps of hair and fragments of skulls on the pavement . They drove for six days straight until they came to the Mexican border. Up in the distance they noticed that the fuzz had set up a barricade one mile wide and seven cars deep. Joe said with extreme confidence don’t worry I got this. Joe opened the back door and just jumped out of the moving vehicle. He then just walked casually up the slew of swine. With thousands of guns aimed right at his head joe simply remarked “road head anyone.” Dustin looked with bewilderment as every last cop looked at each other shrugged their shoulders and then all simultaneously unzipped their flies and pulled out their members. Joe looked back at his comrades in the cop car and exclaimed “ just go, I’ll be fine” Joe looked out at the plethora of penises, “I’ll be very fine.”
will they reach mexico, will gary stop wathing penis puppets,is it feasible for joe to give all that falacio, you'll just have to wait for the next installment of THE WALRUS CRONICALS
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| The walrus cronicals - epsisode 4 Bob Doles new hope |
[25 Feb 2004|10:29pm] |
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“Lets face it. We're all dying one day at a time. You may not like it, but you're going to die. It may be a painful death with ice picks being slowly jammed into your skull, or it could be something peaceful like being anally raped by a gang of albino midgets and then having your head bashed in with a cinder block. Perhaps you'll die after having a firecracker shoved into your urethra. Maybe your demise will be linked to a bad Twister accident. Whatever the scenario may be, you're going to end up dead as fuck at some point.”
This was going through the mine of our protagonist Dustin Khebzou on the night on 2/21/04. You see Dustin had just been arrested by a fucking renta cop, and that moment he stood on the side of the road next to a real cop’s car, that had just showed up. He happened to notice that the six cops, that each had came in separate cars, were all focusing on the nucular war head that they had found in Jimmy’s back pocket. Dustin stared at the adjacent cop car, the keys were in the ignition and it was fresh out of the kitchen, ok disregard that latter of that remark. His accomplice in stupidity, Joe Kehoe, who was handcuffed in the back of the automobile. Joe motioned to him threw the back window. Now Dustin was in a state of quandary, should he just accept what has happened and succumb to the swine, or should grab the situation by the scrotal sack and do what he knew he must. Should he just keep letting things go until his mortality come to a final halt.
Dustin took a final look over to the fuzz, that was still befooled how jimmy got a hold of a nucluar war head. Scratching at their double chins with vanilla ice-cream smeared across it like a money shot. Dustin seized his moment. He hoped in the driver seat of the cop car and started it up. As he look a head of him he saw the petrified flummoxed look in the eyes. With out a minuscule of conpasion he ran down every last one of those shameless swine. He motioned to jimmy Gary and Paul to hope in the back of the car and they then began on their journey to mexico.
Be to continued................................
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[02 Feb 2004|09:54pm] |
- bloodlands86: fuck straight kids
bloodlands86: ill fuck sodomize them while smoking a joint and drink two beers out of one of them kool beer helmets
- GFYMsKaTeR360: yo ur gonna help me get wood
- SmaShtUp21: o well at least straight edge night went out with a bang
SmaShtUp21: literally
- Fl0ppy Blimp: what kind of doctor is your dad?
runtothehillss: emergency room
Fl0ppy Blimp: damn i was hoping he'd be a proctolagist because i got a tampon stuck inn my asss
- Fl0ppy Blimp: its so stupid. it makes me want to shoot a math teacher or something
- rustyDILL8: bobby has no balls
- zig in the box: rosa park backwards is krapasor
- XDani85X: Sk82ez101 : how about some road head
- runtothehillss: dude your so not gay
xTHELOCUSTxFU: I AM
xTHELOCUSTxFU: damn girls
xTHELOCUSTxFU: taking my gayness
- xH0T DAMNx: the olson twins were so much hotter back then when they were like 5
Trafficstandoff: im gonna fuckin gut you with a kfc spork</li>
Fosckomadness:
never Question a tough guy
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| Tough Guy Andrew |
[29 Jan 2004|05:28pm] |
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Radiohead - Paranoid Android |
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Many have tried to trace the origins of the one know as “Tough Guy Andrew.” Those brave souls, who took up such a catastrophic endeavor, are sadly no longer with us. There bodies were so disfigured, so grotesque, so perverted that it would even make an undertaker quiver. I dare not even go into a further description for I fear that the readers head might explode from the mere thought of what “Tough Guy Andrew” is capable doing. Recently the has been reports that he is supplying the orgasmic guitar for the band Every Man For Himself, while this information has not confirmed, I personally don’t plan to be his next victim.
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[25 Jan 2004|10:33pm] |
runtothehillss: dude your so not gay
xTHELOCUSTxFU: I AM
xTHELOCUSTxFU: damn girls
xTHELOCUSTxFU: taking my gayness
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[25 Jan 2004|06:57pm] |
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Quote of the year: "how about them apples Ghandi" Biggest oopss of the year: the headline of todays paper "Powel: Iraq may not have had WMD." Sorry about bombing your country and stuff, wait you guys have oil I hadn't notciced. George W. be prepared for another hoagie smack.
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[25 Jan 2004|12:33am] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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Fuck all of you. This is not a catharsis for all you little cocks out there trying to elevate themselves to be some sort of martyrs. You have raped and pillaged my perfect little utopia and I hate every last one of you for it.
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[24 Jan 2004|05:29pm] |
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I WAS SO GAY
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[22 Jan 2004|09:58pm] |
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music |
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Dillinger Escape Plan - Jim Fear |
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So far 2004 has spawned some of the funniest moments Eva. For example:
Special friends, face painting, pummeling by and ebony fellow, receiving death threats from that weird kid that never speaks, the eruption of alphabet spaghetti from Brian’s mouth, alcoholic beverages smacking on john’s head,XXX nights, accusations of communism, blue genitalia rubbing on super G’s window, mark receiving his PhD in gayology, couch flipping, I was so gay, Matt’s flower icon, Ritchie’s bowl hair cut, Rick’s interpretation of the Harlem shake, John’s lunchtime prophetic quotes, attempts to crowd surf at the legion show only to plummet to the floor,attempts to find "the Big Window," turkey sandwich throwing, oh my virgin ears freestyle battles, the list go and on. Write any priceless moments that I have forgotten
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| Scince By Man - Push The Panic |
[18 Jan 2004|02:00am] |
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Ok now while I usually will just compose some embellished pseudo intellectual tales of violence juxtaposed with humor, that some might just right off and say it’s just a trivial attempt by myself to compensate for absence of a bona fide life of my own. Now those naysayers might be right be correct in saying this, but that is not pertinent at this current moment in time. For I have just witnessed the most odious images that myself, let alone the entire terrestrial sphere, has ever had the disinclination of looking upon. Something that was so vile that it has plagued my mind to replay that minuscule measure of seconds over and over again inside my cranium. This sight was so repugnant it made me want to uproot my eyeballs from out of my skull, douse them in gasoline and then set them out to sea in a Viking funeral. This was something that was so sickening, so execrable, so god-awful that it eclipses a depiction.
It all began earlier today as I arrived home after my arduous work at Manhattan Bagel. I sloughed down upon my couch and picked up the remote, humming the theme song to Rocko’s modern life in my head as I waited for the my television to turn on that usually takes ten minutes on average to turn on. I started to flip through the channels and then it happened, I saw it. I would rather have licked fecal matter from rotund decrepit one hundred year old women’s behind then become a bystander to that image. It was one of those life altering experiences where by after you are no longer compatible with the rest of the human species subsequently. Your entire mind frame becomes out of wack, you metamorphose into nothing but a shadow of your former self. That you’d rather embed rusty nails inward to your testicals than view that detestable view.
What my eyes conveyed to me I almost dare not say for the thought alone could butcher the insides of your mind. Kill you so slowly that you’d beg to se the images seen on goatse. As I looked at the screen I saw
(You can fill in the end in however your little heart desire)
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[12 Jan 2004|09:42pm] |
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Smog - Blood Red Bird |
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Today was a very interesting day, interesting even to my standards. Last night before I went to sleep I left the computer on, well that was probably because I passed out due the plethora of drugs I had taken to try and remove the repugnant image of goatse out of my medulla oblongata. When I awoke my computer screen was entirely black except for the words follow the white rabbit. I thought to my self that, it was kind of odd, but because of the crapulent state I was in, I soon lost consciousness and fell into a coma. When I roused myself I was in a small egg like container covered in goop, with wire and such protruding out of my flesh. I look up and there was this mechanical bug looking at me, he tried to grab me and so I shanked that foo and then capped it’s ass. Then I blanked out again and found myself in a completely white room, with a black man dressed in leather with stupid sunglasses standing in front of me. He was like welcome to the matrix and stuff; I was like aren’t you that guy on biker boys. He was like I have no idea what you are talking about, I am Morpheus. Then he offered the greatest thing in the world, next to heroin and midget sex, multi colored pills. When he was trying to explain to me what each pill did I slapped him, with my pimp hand, and took both. Now that’s when the shit started to hit the fan, no, probably the best way to describe it would be diarrhea from an obese Chinese women’s ass. He was like now you’re in for it, he said tank. I need some backup. Before I knew it row after row Saigon whores filled up in the room trying to bite off my nose. Then just as things were looking their worst, Jimmy came flying throw the window, two AKs in each hand. He started mowing down Saigon whores one by one. Tell all that was left was me him and that black in the S and M outfit. Then hoagie slapped him in the face so hard he died. I look around at the empty white room and was like give me a room full George W.s. I was like a dream just row after row of George W.s just waiting to be hoagie smacked. I looked to Jimmy and then he looked back and me, and we unsheathed our members and just ran down the aisles and commenced to hoagie smacked one after another. None of them were saved. After all that was said and done, just because of that one moment today was probably one of the greatest days in my 16 years of existence.
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[06 Jan 2004|10:54pm] |
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The Killing Tree - Violets are blue |
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There are many myths pertaining to the formation of the band currently under the moniker of Everyman For Himself. Most of them are untrue except for the one regarding the drummer’s 16inch penis. The band has recently gone on and receive a godlike status; a band who's music transcends mere words.
The band's orgin's can be traced to when the year 2004 was still in its fetal stage. After various attempts to bring Andrew, Bobby, and Tyler’s musical vision to life, they called upon Dustin and Jimmy’s sage advice to bring them out of the their bottomless slump that their former band choke on blood had brought upon them. Dustin and Jimmy were just recovering from the demise of their former band Horses Eat Apples. They united together to form an undaunted force that’s music can only described as a divine disarray sent by the forces from above and below.
With the new arsenal of talent, Every Man For Himself had enough firepower to kindle a hardcore revolution, with influences coming many eclectic genres, ranging from grind-core, hardcore,pop, tough guy and even some funk. They have goals such as selling out the Wembly's Stadium, banging as many biddies as possible and just creating the most awesome music EVA.
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